He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
