I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
