She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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