Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize