dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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