i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
