dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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