if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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