Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
