I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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