I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
