I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
