The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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