He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
