My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
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