my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
