smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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