Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
