She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
