All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
