I faked an abortion last night.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
no you cant smoke seaweed
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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