What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
