i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
