maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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