Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
