john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
