Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I could fuck to npr.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
