new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
