I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
