Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
