By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
