Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
