when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
