Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
