matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
