I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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