I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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