She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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