i love accidental penises.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize