my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
