Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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