Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
