xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
