just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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