i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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