A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
