from now on my penis is your penis
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
