He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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