The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
