her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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