Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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