At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
