They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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