When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
