its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
