So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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