dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
