I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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