Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
