is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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