I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
