and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
