Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
