I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
