Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
