and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
