Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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