I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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