I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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