Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
